catch the abstract

unseensights @ 2005-09-14T23:25:00

2005-09-14T21:25:32Z

I WILL NEVER FORGET HER.

NEVER.

by popular demand.

2005-05-09T23:11:42Z

i was not writing here any more because this was meant to be a place for my writing. and i just can't write any more. back then it just happened. you know i was sitting here and started typing and the words just came out. nowadays i have to force myself to write and i can not focus on it really.

i still have the same boring job. i am a programmer and i still wish i could do something more creative but at the same time i am afraid i am just not creative enough for anything else. and besides that, nothing much changed either. i hate going outside most of the time and i am drinking on my own almost daily. (and i don't get why you are attracted to that, in any way.)

and there was this girl. we were talking on the phone, all the time. and she said things like 'you are so beautiful, so beautiful'. then we met and she was afraid of everything going way too fast. then she fucked with someone else. and told me she doesn't want me to call her up either. so i thought she was just completely turned off after we met and all. and then she wrote me a mail were she is blaming it all on the distance and saying things like 'i am just doing this to forget you. i still think about you each day'. yeah right. all my friends are saying she must be a dumb slut. (isn't that what friends are for?)

it's fucked up that shit like that happens, when i let someone come that close to me for the first time in years. sometimes i wish she would just choke and drop dead. (who needs love like that?)

yesterday i was holding hands with a girl. her fingers were like twice the size of mine. how odd.

ex-girls.

2004-12-30T01:19:46Z

and she was like 'get your life in order'
and i was like 'get the fuck outta here'.

unseensights @ 2004-10-14T23:13:00

2004-10-14T21:14:18Z

we should have a drink some day. and i mean all of you.
(and i mean more than just one drink.)

and i mean you rose, and you ditte mia, and you jas, and you tela, and you chris, and you christine, and you kate, and you kohl, and you cashelle, and you rachel, and you, i think sandra is your name.

obvious.

2004-09-01T22:23:32Z

today, for a day we had summer again and i was outside after work. basically someone would have had to fall in love with me, but they were just too busy with themselves. the guy in the music store talked to a customer about signore rossi and la ligne. strange when you notice that others don't live in todays world either. and they said things like 'yeah, good thing'. almost like on tv.

tomorrow i'll go see a doctor about this. but he'll only find what is obvious anyway. and that's more than enough, he'll say.

i like this feeling of burning in my throat. and the sound the ice cubes make when i put the glass down again.

blinded.

2004-08-17T20:34:08Z

one day i will have flashy pictures and you will pretend you love me.

royal.

2004-08-13T21:31:16Z

once she told me one of the girls there thought she was a princess and the whole insane asylum was her royal household. now you know why i want to meet her again, don't you?

boom.

2004-07-28T01:33:20Z

given that you can't help but explode, at least let me wrap my arms around you.

you and i.

2004-07-17T23:36:14Z

i said: "and then this old fellow came along, speaking with dutch accent. in his hand he held coinage, that he wanted to give us in exchange for a cigarette - not a smoke in ten years, he said. of course we gave him one, without taking the money. we are not inhuman, are we. as he left, he mumbled 'too bad i am that old'"

and you said: "next to the rails, a retiree couple's holding hands. the man holds a plastic bag, the label reads 'forever 18'"

more than this.

2004-05-23T01:52:34Z

there were times when driving around at night without a clear destination felt a lot better than this.

distance.

2004-05-23T01:30:36Z

somehow you seemed to be much closer when you still were on the other side of the world.

afterwards.

2004-05-20T21:44:40Z

i am wondering. if i'd call her up right now. if she would tell her best friend 'that was the boy i told you about', afterwards.

always.

2004-05-18T23:12:10Z

i've never been one of his patients but last night he took his life with a gun. my mother always said there's something about him. she has an eye for such things.

exactly.

2004-05-18T23:09:06Z

"it is the fear of not being missed by anyone."

not at all.

2004-03-03T00:45:07Z

basically, i shouldn't have noticed anything of what happened around us on this place. that's how it should be. concentrating on nothing but the breathing of the other person, while everything around you becomes blurred. holding on tight to each other, unmovable, like time, just standing still. "hopefully you won't miss your train" i said. but it seemed like she didn't want to let go at all. even when the doors closed and the train departed - no reaction. it seems like she didn't care at all. and evidently, i didn't either.

that night.

2004-02-19T23:35:26Z

taking a deep breath and at the same time half avoiding your look by staring at the ground, half looking straight into your eyes. 'want to come home with me tonight?'. no other question would have suited your facial expression better in that moment. so i just said it, even if i was afraid of not striking the right note. comfortable silence throughout the ride and around us, everything seems to be dark. until we arrive in this generously long drawn-out avenue, the one with the most beautiful lighting of all of them. 'i love these streetlights', you're saying, 'i am sure one looks wonderful in that light. i'd love to always stand under such a light'. and i wondered how you could even know it at all. when things would work out as i wanted them to just once, such a streetlight would stand right in front of your window. of our window. but at least we knew what we wanted to hear, that night.

(pardon. sloppy translation.)

moron.

2003-12-24T00:30:55Z

i would hold my hands across my face, try to breathe some life in them with my breath. 'cold around here', you would say. i would nod and take a deep breath, while i put my hands into my coat pockets. then you would say 'that is the winter'. i would stare at the display panel at the rail on the opposite side. exhale - that is what i like about this season: the breath is visible, when you go outside to the others - and would say 'no, that is not the winter. that is me'. and in that moment, i would be afraid of you saying 'moron'.

in driving direction.

2003-12-17T21:52:39Z

in fact i think they are tremendous. smoking compartments. sometimes it is so misty when entering, you can not see your own hand in front of your eyes. after a while i can not take it any more myself, in my own and the foreign smoke, particularly i can hardly breathe. normally there are only unpleasant people sitting around here. odd enough, nobody is in here today. i take a seat next to the window, in driving direction. maybe she would also like to sit in driving direction but i can not cope with sitting against driving direction, not now. sometimes everyone else just has to be considerate of me. she looks out of the window while i set my cigarette alight. i imagine no one else is looking out of a window like she does. i breathe out, so that the smoke drafts along the window pane, in her line of sight - my fume is never ring-shaped. or shaped at all. i suppose sometimes you can not even see it. maybe i am not even smoking right. a few years ago, a medical secretary examined the volume of my lungs, with one of those machines. take a deep breath. and afterwards exhale, how long you can. later, throughout the analysis, the doctor told me that either i did not do the test right or something is wrong with me. but then he, just like all the other mere hints, never tracked it any more. now i will probably never find out whether something is wrong with me - she keeps looking outside, unaltered. as if everything outside the window would be moved past us, especially for her. and maybe it is just like that. i am determined, no one would bother doing the same for me.

thousandfold.

2003-12-04T23:15:15Z

my clothes on the ground in front of me. rounds by four tet in my ear. a whispered word of consent on my lips, a search for tranquility in the cold fingertips. the look rather averted than longing for anything, my warm breath meeting watery palms. in my thoughts, i am with her. and her and her. sand in my eyes, shivers down the spine. outdoors they already began to shape the forthcoming day for me and i can not find a number written down on the back of my hand, no note in my pockets, not a single clear thought. if i only knew what name, i would write it down on paper a thousandfold right now and phase out each letter generously. not that i could ever vanquish myself just once, allaying my doubts and letting our trembling voices on the telephone hold on close to each other, somewhere there between just over zero and three dot four kilohertz.